Semper Paratus (mostly)
Semper Paratus (mostly)
  1. Anxiety is exhausting. Anxiety is debilitating. Anxiety is frustrating and difficult to explain and I’m so so tired of having this weight on my chest all the time — making it harder to breathe, making my heart race over nothing important at 3am, stacking up my pile of responsibilities and then incapacitating me for hours at a time to the point where I literally can’t get out of bed for no reason other than “I can’t right now,” which, let me tell ya, goes over really well with people who can’t relate.

  2. I bought a Sharknado snapback today. With my hair this short (I just got it cut), in a muscle shirt, with all my makeup rubbed off from a long day, it makes me look a little androgynous I think. That’s satisfying. Not sure why that’s satisfying. I usually end up wishing I was more stereotypically feminine looking. Who knows. Gender identity & expression is vast & confusing and I just accept it for what it is.

  3. I’m glad I’ll be back at college in a week from today.

    I’m going to miss my grandmother terribly, but my grandfather can go fuck himself.

    Everything I say is wrong, or I’m lying, or I’m being impatient, or too disrespectful, or picking on him, or some other crock of shit. I can’t open my mouth to say three words without him being shitty to me and it’s kind of miserable. He doesn’t want me here and I know it. It’s not my fault my grandmother loves me 3000x more than him. Maybe if he wasn’t such a shitty person he wouldn’t have so much to be jealous of.

  4. Multiple orgasms: hands down best thing about being female. Ugh.

  5. combinmypocket:

    Dear diary,

    I wish that I were as cool as my friend Boyscout. She’s so awesome, and pretty, and funny, and great. Like, golly gee wilikers. It’s astounding. (Time is fleeting!) I try to drown her a lot but it’s mostly ‘cause I’m overwhelmed by having such a great best friend. I love her more than…

    good 2 kno

  6. Official list of supplies to bring to sleepovers.

    Official list of supplies to bring to sleepovers.

  7. Name: Boyscout
    Nickname:  Bunyscout, Boysprout, Boscov, Biscuits
    Location: NJ
    Age: 20
    Height: 5’8.5”

    Any pets: Lots of cats, chickens, guinea hens, fish
    Favorite thing about yourself: My passion 
    Worst habit: Letting anxiety get the best of me
    Fun fact: I had a panic attack while meeting Arthur Darvill and he told me “oh don’t do that!”

    Identity, Sexuality & Personality

    Gender identity: Cisgender female 
    Sexual preference: Heteroflexible 
    Romantic preference: Heteroromantic 
    Relationship status: Desperate Single
    Myers/Briggs type: ENFP
    Hogwarts house: Gryffindor 

    Routine

    "Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Night Owl
    Morning routine: Sleeping until it’s not morning anymore, preferably 
    Bath or shower: Shower
    First thought in a morning: Do I have to get up yet?
    Last thought before falling asleep at night: Probably about someone I care about

    School/Work

    Do you work or are you a student: Student
    Where do you work/study: Montclair State University
    What do you do: Film Major, Lavender Leader for the LGBTQ Center on campus
    Where do you see yourself in 5 years: I honestly couldn’t tell you

    Habits (Do you … )

    Drink: I’ve been known to indulge.
    Smoke: Cigarettes happen sometimes, but not anywhere near often enough for me to own my own
    Do Drugs: Absolutely not.
    Exercise: Does theatre count? How about masturbation? 
    Have a go-to comfort food: Mac & cheese. Milkshakes.
    Have a nervous habit: Probably a bunch of them, but I don’t really notice them.

    What is your favorite … ?

    Physical quality (in yourself): I like my smile a lot (ironically, since I hate my teeth)
    In Others: Shoulders/arms (in boys), eyes/lips (in girls)
    Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): Sense of humor, extreme sense of empathy
    Food: Chicken, pasta, milkshakes, gummie bears. 
    Artist/Band/Group: Artic Monkeys currently  
    Author/Poet: Joss Whedon/Russel T Davies (TV), Orson Scott Card/John Green (novels), David Foster Wallace, F. Scott Fitzgerald…  
    TV Show: Doctor Who
    Actor/Actress: Scarlet Johansson, David Tennant, Andrew Garfield, RDJ, Karen Gillan, Billie Piper, Zooey Deschanel

  8. More than a little tipsy, starved for affection, and quite sexually frustrated.

    Just another day.

  9. Being tipsy gives me the confidence I lack at all other times. I enjoy it because like, fuck. Look how cute I am. I am adorable. It’s delightful.

    Being tipsy gives me the confidence I lack at all other times. I enjoy it because like, fuck. Look how cute I am. I am adorable. It’s delightful.

  10. I need someone to need me. 

    I just feel like I need everyone, and it’s been so long since anyone has needed me. 

  11. I’m so bad at being happy. 

  12. Some days are just bad, and this is one of them. 

    Most of the time I don’t let it get to me, but nights like these it’s impossible to ignore how incredibly-bone-penetratingly-deeply lonely I am.  

    What’s wrong with me? Why does no one want me?

    My head is full of thoughts I’m trying not to let myself have. I hope tomorrow will be better. 

  13. Spent the weekend in PA going to Hershey Park for the Monumentour. Seeing Paramore and Fall Out Boy was phenomenal. The company was even better.

  14. PSA I try to be super inclusive with my language, which (as it is for everyone) is a process of learning and apologizing and fighting internalized things, etcetera, etcetera.

    That being said, my current focus is ableism. I’ve realized I don’t know much about it, and I really want to. So call me out, please, if I’m using overly ableist language. I’m learning still, but eager to do so.

  15. It just really pisses me off when characters are gender swapped for the sake of shipping them. Like, whatever your personal sexuality is, you should recognize that compatible people are compatible no matter what bodies they come in, and making the “this character isn’t gay” argument to mean more than just that they can’t both be men/women means you’re subscribing to a series of stereotypes and assumptions about what sexuality affects, other than the people they are (or aren’t) attracted to. 

    Obviously write whatever you want to write, I don’t want to dictate any sort of rules about fanfiction. Just a pet peeve. /end rant

    P.S. That’s not to say I’m not totally cool with gender swapping characters for fun, or to explore gender, or for whatever other reason other than avoiding homosexuality.

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