Prepared for anything but this..
Prepared for anything but this..
  1. I feel like I’m in this place, and I don’t know how I got here. I need someone to talk to, but I feel like I don’t have anyone.. and that’s partially my fault, because I don’t know who I actually want to talk to about it. Because I feel so stupid, and so.. I don’t know. 

    Sometimes, saying things to other people makes them so much more real and I’m afraid of that I guess.

  2. I hate the way that going out with friends is a 50/50 shot.

    I could have a great time, and hurt my face from smiling, laughing with everyone and taking group selfies and staying out all night.

    Or I could come home early, depressed, feeling excluded and unwanted.

    And I can’t always tell if those feelings are my own fault, or someone else’s. But they suck. Because feeling unwanted sucks. And it makes me want hugs and vocal affirmation. But, feeling unwanted, I don’t want to bother any of my friends by asking for hugs or affirmation. So we’re at a bit of a stand still.

    I’m just so tired of feeling this way all the time. I feel like I’m broken. What’s wrong with me? Normal people can do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball, and cry, and have someone hug me until the world isn’t so difficult anymore. And I feel like a weak, gross, desperate person for it. CYCLICAL.  

  3. I am a girl. I am physically a girl, and I identify as a girl. I look like a girl. I sound like a girl. I act like a girl. I dress like a girl. I am unmistakably a girl.

    Maybe your ideas of what a girl should be don’t align with how I express myself as a girl. But I am a girl. Please don’t say otherwise. Please don’t act otherwise. And please don’t comment on my femininity, or there lack of, in whatever context. It’s a sore subject, it has always been a sore subject, and it will never fail to make me feel uncomfortable and unattractive. I don’t care how you meant it. I don’t care if you mispoke. I don’t care if it was a joke. I’m sorry I have a hard time laughing it off, it’s a big insecurity of mine.   

  4. Slam poetry is a thing I started doing this semester. If I posted some of it, would any of you actually read it?

  5. You know when you’re listening to a song, and the lyrics are really relevant, and you wanna post them as your status, but you have to be careful not to post the most relevant lyrics, because then you’d be too obvious that you’re posting lyrics for a reason other than just liking the song? ..yeah.

  6. I don’t know that I’ve ever been this genuinely excited about someone’s mere existence. Spending time with you is so refreshing - like a tall glass of happiness, with a krazy straw. 

  7. Today during Spring Awakening rehearsal, we all put our names on paper stars and passed them around, and wrote compliments on each other’s. I read mine and cried. Here’s what I got:
    • You are always there for whoever needs it. I like that.
    • You give great hugs and you’re so sweet.
    • You’ve got to be one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. 
    • I love you, you give the BEST hugs.
    • You are the best #loveyou
    • You are the best Big ever!! - Not Danny
    • You’re awesome!
    • You are such a great person, and I’m so happy I get to work with you!
    • You always make sure everyone is so happy.
    • Your hugs are divine! You are always there for me and I appreciate it! I love you, beautiful.
    • Thank you for your patience and understanding.
    • Your love for others is amazing and I admire that more than any other beautiful thing about you.
    • I loved having you as a director for All in the Timing and now we get to work together again!
    • The care you have with other people and how much love you spread is phenomenal to recieve. I absolutely love you and you have made me  personally a better person.
    • Your ability to care about everyone at all times is incredible. Take care of you, too, because you are beautiful.
    • You’re ALWAYS positive and understanding.
    • You have been such a great stage manager, director, safe space coordinator, and friend. Thank you for everything.
    • God you’re so fucking amazing. Please always be around to do stuff. We all need you.
    • You love me even when I miss emotional rehearsals.
  8. Most of the time, I can get by explaining to myself “it’ll pass in a few days.”

    But this has been going for weeks. I don’t know how much longer I can do it, especially when it feels never-ending. I don’t know what to do.

  9. Sometimes I just get so angry with myself. (But I guess that makes some strange kind of sense, since I never get angry with anyone else.)

    Some days my food anxiety gets especially bad, and I can’t eat by myself. I can only go get food if it’s with friends. And I’m stuck in this gross, needy situation where I need to just hope they’ll get hungry too if I’m hungry, because I can’t eat alone, and I can’t bring myself to press the issue if they tell me they’re not hungry, or don’t want to go. 

    And then I end up laying in bed, starving, at 11:30 at night, making myself sick over not eating because the alternative is trying to eat and crying my eyes out, making myself sick over eating.

  10. Things to remember in the morning:

    1.) Drinking alone was a bad idea.

    2.) Rum does not go well with marshmallow peeps.

  11. I can’t remember a point when life wasn’t so difficult. And that pisses me off. Because I know I haven’t always felt like this. And I need to believe I won’t always feel like this.

    I wanted to get things done but I’ve just been laying here for hours, doing absolutely nothing, because I was feeling fine and then I wasn’t, and I just don’t have the motivation to do those things I was planning to do.

    I hate being alone. I need someone to focus on, or my thoughts get like this. And that’s disgustingly needy which is why I don’t press the subject. My friends have better things to do, without me. I can’t stand being an obligation. And I understand the concept of asking for help when you need it, but I just don’t care enough to. I don’t have it in me.

    I just need to quit existing for a while.

  12. It honestly terrifies me - the prospect of you seeing me, the way I see myself. This is true of most people. But especially you. It’s become one of my biggest fears. 

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    I’m sorry I’m just still really excited. It’s been like six hours, the adrenaline has not worn off.

  15. Got a haircut~

    Got a haircut~

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